"Claustrophobic" - 2018

"Claustrophobic" is the sophomore release; released October 13th, 2018. It is a concept album inspired by works of Alfred Hitchcock, H.P. Lovecraft, and Shawn Milke/Dennis Lee (Alesana). It follows the story of a man, and the after-events of killing his lover.

"aglæca"

The story starts with a man coming home. He finds his lover dead on the floor with a dark demonic silhouette towering over her dead body.  Terrified, he runs around the house trying to seek refuge when finally he locks himself in his room. While cowering in fear, he hears what sound like a thousand voices pounding on the door, chanting "LET US IN". After swallowing his tears, and blacking out in rage, he musters the courage to confront the monster. 
*aglæca - anglosaxon term for a monster or demon

Narration: I never knew  that such evil existed. I always thought that the devil was a metaphor for profoundly immoral and malevolent happenings. And while many revelations seem to surface tonight, the one reality I can't seem to shake is my discovery of how much blood the human body can hold. . .

I hear the tear, from the penance of a knife

He drinks a crimson filter made from loss of life

I come home to find the one I adore, face down, lifeless on the floor

Please God, give me fortitude

For the courage I lack, will stab me right in the back

Lost love, give me solitude

I give you one last good-bye as death selfishly claims you

I fear I'm falling through the cracks of hell

and now in unison the voices start to yell: "LET US IN, LET US IN, LET US IN"

Bringing to surface every virtue and sin

Let my die, let me die, let me fucking die

Don't want to spend another second looking in his eye

You feeling lucky? Just watch what I'll do

Open this fucking door, and let me kill you

And now they're screaming . . .

"LET US IN, LET US IN, LET US IN"

Bringing to surface every virtue and sin

Let my die, let me die, let me fucking die

Don't want to spend another second looking in his eye

I sit and stare as they pound on the door

She's face down, lifeless on the floor

I fear I'm falling through the cracks of hell

and you're the only one I can tell

Cold shrieks, turn into humble cries

She speaks, unto the silent night

I'm feeling apathetic, I'm feeling death

I think that this will be the night you take your last breath

Open the door 'cause I'm ready to fight

Only one of us will survive this night

"Latent Perception"

As he musters the courage to confront the culprit of his lover's death, he kicks the door down. He blacks out and attacks it in a belligerent rage. However when he comes to, he realizes that his lover had never been dead. As he hallucinated that she was the monster, and is now dead by his hand.

The demon knocks, and he screams my name

"Open the door and meet your fate"

The wood breaks and my heart does, too

An evil presence passes through me

I'm losing all perception

I lost my fucking mind

I let the tears fall out and swallow what's left of my pride

-with a knife in my hand, my heart will be crossed-

With a knife in my hand, my heart will be crossed

An evil heretic will find his life lost

Your name on my wrist, I start to emboss

Always and forever, my love will be dossed

Fiend, you fiend

You took away from me

My love, my life, my pride, you took away my everything

Watch as now, you'll see the crimson flood

Let's see you laugh with a mouth full of blood

Laugh as you die, I'll laugh as you die

Your blood as it froths, it stings in my eye

I thrust and I thrust, but still you're not dead

I can't stop the madness that dwells in my head

With a knife in my hand, my heart will be crossed

An evil heretic will find his life lost

Your name on my wrist, I start to emboss

Always and forever, my love will be dossed

Revenge tastes just like deficiency

My perception, acts with latency

Who did I kill? Who did I kill?

Forgive myself? I never fucking will . . .

"Bereave"

Shocked at what he has done, he has to now face his lover and take responsibility for his hostilities. All he can do now is comfort her in the last few minutes of her life, as her death is now inevitable.

Narration: I see the moonlight hit her skin as if trying to shed light on morbidity. I pretend her eyes are fixated on me, but they are fixated on nothing. They are dull and lifeless just like the night itself. But why does it feel like I've lost you long ago? Why does it feel like this stagnant emotion has carried me, forever?

Her pupils getting wider by the second, are getting duller as the Reaper beckons her

She lets it in; one last breath

And holds it in; waiting for death

Try to ignore the pain

We'll never kiss again, we'll never kiss again

Trying to hide my shame, I tell her: "it's alright, it's just a bad night"

Choking as you start to cry

Let me look you in your eyes

Everything around me dies so darling rest your head

The blood, it stings my eyes

And so I watch you die

You deserve eternal peace but death, it comes in threes

First - my love, then - my pride, then - my fucking self

Try living life with your heart on a shelf

I've killed my love, and my pride, now I'll kill myself

I've murdered all the fucking love that I felt

-try to ignore the pain-

Try to ignore the pain

We'll never kiss again, we'll never kiss again

Trying to hide my shame, I tell her: "it's alright, it's just a bad night"

My love, my mind played tricks on me

My eyes, can't believe what they see

My love, my love don't make a sound

My eyes, they see you dead on the ground

Try to ignore the pain

We'll never kiss again, we'll never kiss again

Trying to hide my shame

I'll never see you again, 'cause I'm a very bad man

"Pale eyes"

Hours after his lover has passed away, he finally gathers himself and does not know what to do. He starts to become skeptic, and feels as though he is being watched by everybody. As a result he realizes that he has to hide her body. His eyes fixate towards her, but he sees what was once a beautiful woman has tuned into a dull, decomposing corpse of what was once host to a beautiful soul. He scurries to the basement to try and find a place to store her body.

God above's frowning down on me

As I try to hide her body where no one else can see

Down in the basement, where no one will know

But they can tell by the sorrow I show

Stitch a mother-fucking mask on my face

And rid myself from the setting where this all took place

My love's supposed to be with me forever

But I can't even remember all of the skin that I've severed

Pale eyes solemnly staring at me

Pale skin, turning green

Blood dried to the sides of her lips

Dependent lividity setting in on her hips

I can't live my life, with her's lost in the basement

I can't use my eyes, after what they've seen

"Turn around", what's that sound? Who is watching me?

I'll be protected by the devil watching over me

All the guilt setting in, with an empty brain

The lifelessness in her eyes will drive me insane

Hell below has a spot for me

For my kill, for my penance and my apathy

Heaven above will reject my plea

For forgiveness and sanity

"Turn around", what's that sound? Who is watching me?

I'll be protected by the devil watching over me

All the guilt setting in, with an empty brain

The lifelessness in her eyes, I want to feel her pain

It's really happening; here's your eternal bed

It's really happening; my love now rest your head

It's really happening; here's your eternal bed

It's really happening; forever fucking with my head

Narration: My knees become weak as I fall to the floor. My acquiescence of finally putting her body to rest, has left me in utter turmoil. Nobody is watching me, nobody is after me. The only two presences in this room is myself, and my guilt. What would have been three has exited the room hastily. Her soul has been disconnected from her body, much like my sanity. . .

"Sleep"

He has completely come to terms with his lover's death. While attempting to find a place to hide her body, he collapses to his knees. The body lying lifeless on the floor above him no longer hosts his beloved. He laments her passing, and thinks about how he would like to spend just one more night with her. He misses her presence.

Lie down with me one more time

I'm not okay, and I'm not fine

I miss the feel of your body on mine

I miss my hands running down your spine

 

Love has fooled me again

And this time it's far worse than its ever been

Four hours, feel like years

Red eyes, soaked in tears

With red eyes, I swallow my pride

I kiss you softly goodbye

 

Laid with you once, now I'll lay you to rest

The best I can in your bloody, white dress

I never pictured this in my head

I see the white, as it fades into red

I see you lying so I rest my head

Upon your body that's cold an dead

Too blind to see through what would happen next

Too distracted by the fix to understand the debt

Oh my God, I'm my own disaster

Breathing in, choking on the pain that I've studied in length

But I never thought I'd feel its sting

There's no hiding my sins

No vision to peace and death

There's no holding this in

Eternal regret

Laid with you once, now I'll lay you to rest

The best I can in your bloody, white dress

I never pictured this in my head

I see the white, as it fades into red

I see you lying so I rest my head

Upon your body that's cold an dead

My hands, they tremble as they wipe off the blood that has dried to the surface of your cold, white flesh

I want to close my eyes and put you to rest, but the guilt that's on my conscience is stained all over your dress

Withdraw my misery from all the pain and sorrow all of this is causing me

I won't forget you

I loved you once, and I love you still

I always have, and I always will

Laid with you once, now I'll rest my head

Upon the surface of where you have bled

I loved you once, and I love you still

I always have, and I always will

Laid with you once, now I'll rest my head

Upon your body that's cold and dead

Laid with you once, now I'll lay you to rest

The best I can in your bloody, white dress

I never pictured this in my head

I see the white, as it fades into red

I see you lying so I rest my head

Upon your body that's cold an dead

"White Lady"

After he finally finds a place to store her body, he makes his way back upstairs to gather her corpse. However she is not laying before him. She is standing; and its an unfamiliar presence. She has turned into a White Lady spirit. He trembles at the site of her, as she taunts him for his unforgivable actions.

It was a dark, cold night when I saw her face

I swear to God, I thought she'd left this place

She had a death-wish from the moment she was born

But I see her right in front of me and now I'm torn

She's not like I remember at all

The way she carries herself; I've never felt so small

I notice now she starts to sway left to right

Just like the way she left the fucking world that night

What am I supposed to do, when I see a ghost in front of me?
I guess its true, that I'm just fucked up in the head

'Cause I see in front of me, someone that's supposed to be dead

I see in front of me, somebody that's supposed to be dead

Then I fell the cold in my head, as it suffocates

Peripherals are blurred, and my pupils dilate

My lungs constricted, and my knees are weak

I feel a morbid presence as it touches my cheek

White Lady, please spare me

Let the light in my eyes leave swiftly

Oh spirit, I feel it

For the love of fucking God, release it

Feel something, feel something

I try to scream but instead, there's nothing

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I have to let you go

"Don't Look Down"

The spirit introduces itself as his lover. She convinces him that she is his lover, and that they are still able to be together, forever. All he has to do is end his own life, and they can be together. He agrees, and decides to jump off tallest structure nearby: Danvers Lunatic Asylum. He reaches the top by scaling the side, and stands on the ledge. Right as he is about to step off of the ledge, he snaps out from another episode where he has blacked out.

Do you believe in love that has died?

She beckons me, but what do I find?

"Jump my love, I swear that you'll fly, meet me at the top of the sky

Jump my darling, don't look down; you're a long way from the ground"

What am I waiting for?

One more step off this ledge, and I'm closer to you

What am I thinking for?

Every second on this ledge is a second without you

One step closer to sanity

One death closer to empathy

One jump closer, so no one catch me

One decision closer to altruistic demise

I'm going to jump for the reason above

To be with the one that I love

Narration: Altitude overwhelms me, as solitude and euphoria fill what's left of my heart. My eyes set out on the horizon, but my ears are set out on obeying the beckoning of the beguiling voice ringing inside of my ears. It rings until I cannot feel fear anymore.

-JUMP MY LOVE-

"Jump my love, it'll all be over with one more step. No more pain, no more agony. No more living the immense guilt that you have inflicted upon yourself. Jump my love, I swear that you'll die."

Jump my love, I swear that you'll fly

Meet me at the top of the sky

Right before I fall from the edge

They pull me back from the ledge.

"Claustrophobic"

After coming to from another black out. He finds himself in a completely unfamiliar place. He is dressed in all white, and he sees what seems to be nurses rushing towards him. They forcefully grab him and put him into a restraint chair. He struggles and screams and tries to break free but it is no use. As he struggles more and more doctors fill the room, all the while the voices inside of his head return, taunting him for his terrible actions. While enclosed in his small cell; nurses infiltrating, as well as the voices inside of his head, he feels claustrophobic.

Chin to my knees
Wrists interlocked
I’m rocking back and forth
I’m trapped in my thoughts

They hit me
Just like the cognizance
Of how I killed my lover
And I have no defense

Chin to my knees
Wrists interlocked
I’m rocking back and forth
I’m trapped in my thoughts

Lurking like a venomous snake
They grasp onto my throat
Somehow with bloodshot eyes
I feel like I’ve been left afloat

So someone fix me
Make me new with clay and mud
Anti-tremor medication
Surging through my blood

Claustrophobic
I am so sick
I have manic
Depressive symptoms of a
Schizophrenic
Need a medic
I’m emphatic
Of how I need to rid this memory from my head

Claustrophobic
I am so sick
I have manic
Depressive symptoms of a
Schizophrenic
Need a medic
I’m emphatic
Of how I need to rid this memory from my head

The pain and the hatred
Will always be something I
Remember forever
And ever and after

Everybody’s screaming
They're sounding the alarms
They take away sharp objects
So I can’t cut my arms

They tell me that I’m impulsive
'Cause I'm a fucking mess
I shut my eyes and picture her body in that bloody dress

Are you okay?
What do you say?
Thank you doctor for the pills that you gave me today

Voices like the walls
In my head, in the halls
The doctors and delusions
I can’t even think at all

The pain and the hatred
Will always be something I. . .

The pain and the hatred
Will always be something I
Remember forever
And ever and after

Voices like the walls
In my head, in the halls
The doctors and delusions
I can’t even think at all

They’re closing in on me now
And I can’t breath
I want to be alone
But they’ll never, ever leave

Voices like the walls
In my head, in the halls
The doctors and delusions
I can’t even think at all

They’re closing in on me now
And I can’t fucking breath
I want to be alone
But they’ll never, ever leave

"Dissociative"

When the nurses finally leave. He finds himself sitting alone in the cell. After a short while a man walks in, introducing himself as the Chief Psychologist at Danvers Lunatic Asylum. He asks him if he knows why he is there. Confused, he responds that he does not. The psychologist explains to him that he has been in the asylum for two years for killing his mother. It was explained to him that he has Dissociative Identity Disorder, and that he delusively associates his mother with his "lover". At times he has outbreaks where he even thinks that he is his mother. 

Free me from the dark in my head

'Cause it's preventing me from seeing red

I can't tell who I am anymore

Somebody tell me 'cause I'm not so sure

Emptiness is the victim of pain

Killing me loudly like the sorrow and pain

I'm feeling darkness, I'm feeling death

I taste the blood from our last kiss on my breath

Was it the pain in my eyes that lead me to this misery?

Was it the look of your death from your head down to your feet?

Or was it something I did, that made me regret the life that I've lived?

And tell me please, do you hate me too? Do you hate me for the things that I do?

I see a face in the distance, of who I'm trying to be

It was the lust of a vixen that took control over me

And now I feel all the blackness, it washes all over me

See the light in the darkness, of who I'm not supposed to be

Thank you mother, for the pain that you've inflicted

For hiding all my sanity, and making me a victim

I've tried it all before, but it doesn't seem to help

The fact that I'm alone makes me hate my fucking self

I see a face in the distance, of who I'm trying to be

It was the lust of a vixen that took control over me

And now I feel all the blackness, it washes all over me

See the light in the darkness, of who I'm not supposed to . . .

How could she let me bear this fucking disease?

How could she be so suffocating?

I feel her presence, it lingers within

It dwells inside me, closer than I've ever been

Narration: My mind cannot even begin to fathom the abhorrent information that was disclosed this dreadful night. My lover is not my lover, and therefore I am not myself. My sanity is elsewhere. My hope is failing, and the trust of my own kin is non-existent. Why I was not debriefed on this deception is beyond my wildest imagination. I throw myself to the mercy of fate. Live or die . . . it is no longer my choice.

"Mother"

When the information is disclosed to him, he asks the psychiatrist for a moment to collect himself. During this time he reflects on his anger towards his mother. Her acquiescence of getting him the help that he needs has left her lifeless, and him completely alone. When the psychiatrist returns he asks to be lobotomized, as he no longer wants to feel anything; the pain is unbearable. He denies his request, as he is still treatable, and not believed to be enough of a threat to himself or others. He believes the doctor is naive, and it reminds him of his mother, not accepting his issues, and not willing to do what is necessary to make sure nobody else is hurt. He becomes angry and hostile towards the psychiatrist, to the point where nurses have to come in to now additionally restrain his head, so that he has the inability to move a muscle. They inject him with a tranquilizer to put him to sleep.

Forsaken, I'm broken

My desire to take away these demons in my mind

I'm calling for your name, but I can only catch a silhouette of your smile

I've told you many times before, I've always had the answers for the pain and suffering

The lies you told, the pain I'm in

I told you I would take you there, away from all your frights and fears

Forget your misery, but the seasons change so rapidly

I'm taking one last look

At your picture slowly fading in the fire

I'm staring, at your name but there's a silence that looms inside of me, at your grave

 

It's like I just forgot to breathe, it sucks the light right out of me

I've lost before, but not I'm sure; you aren't the girl I thought you were

Two years have passed, and all I see: your shadow always haunting me

Forget my misery, 'cause my feelings change so rapidly

I've contemplated this before

You took my hand and said no more

You took my eyes so I can't see

You filled my lungs so now I breathe

The dust and death beside your grave

As if it wasn't enough to save your life so many times . . . 

I've contemplated this before

You took my hand and said no more

You took my eyes so I can't see

You filled my lungs so now I breathe

The dust and death beside your grave

As if it wasn't enough to save your life so many times

So you stabbed me in the back, and I had to watch you die

"Crux"

When he wakes up from being tranquilized he looks around but can't see anything. The room is completely black. He feels around and sees that he is still strapped in the chair. He remembers the last conversation he had with the psychiatrist where he denied his request to be lobotomized. He knows that something has to be done. He is a danger to others, and is clearly a danger to himself. However he does not have the courage to take his own life, the only possible way he can while be restrained: biting his tongue off and bleeding out. After a while of contemplating, he feels a cold breeze in the room. He takes a look around the room and doesn't see anything. But his sense of feeling a presence is so real that he believes it his mother in the cell with him. It gets closer and closer until it feels as though it is entering inside of him. He closes his eyes. And opens them. Same man, but different personality. He rests his tongue between his teeth as he hears the voice of his mother in his head, assuring him that he must clench his jaw shut to commit his final horrid act of taking his own life. Does he do it? Only time will tell
-to be continued . . .

I wake up and I'm sitting upon the edge of a chair with no light to shine

My eyes adjust to the darkness and feel for a sign

My arms are locked in close and I can't feel a thing

I clench my jaw 'til my face starts to sting

"Decisions, decisions, you've got one more to make . . . Just one more life for you to selfishly take . . ."

I'm just an empty host, watch as I fall

She's just a vixen, conning me to end it all

Take me, leave me out to dry

Be my aggressor, tell me not to cry

Heaven turn me into a thrall

Give me the courage to end it all

Time begins to haunt me as I focus on the depths of the click

The clock-hands wrap around my neck to show me all the pain I inflict

Please tell me if you lived, would you say that it's true?

Would you still love me as the mother, or the lover I once knew?

She's just too real to me

She's just a fucking dream

She rests inside of my mouth

and makes me bite my tongue

The blood comes rushing out

Draining, draining, the blood drains away

Dying, dying, I'm dying today

Finally, finally, I'm feeling alive

Devil, devil, I give you my life

Take me, leave me out to dry

Be my aggressor, tell me not to cry

Heaven turn me into a thrall

Give me the courage to end it all

Narration: Darkness overtakes the room. No sight, no sound, nobody. As I perspire I feel the cold chill of sweat slide down my body like a frozen blade. The room although enclosed, gains the presence of a frigid wind nearing me. It's grim, it's deathly, it's beautiful. My tongue rests between my teeth as I hesitate to lock my jaw shut. The frigid presence wraps around me like motherly apathy . . .

"Clench your jaw shut, it will all be over soon. No more pain, no more agony. No more living with the immense guilt that I have inflicted on you. Do it my son, I swear that you'll die. . ."

TO BE CONTINUED . . .

© 2018 by Before I Turn

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